Of late I've taken to sleeping at quite unholy hours due to 1) an overly-distressed-over-math damsel, 2) overly-cheerful-with-new-man Adela (which is by far the scariest thing that is happening) 3) just me not able to sleep.


Today onwards it's not okay to skip lessons (I've been trying to tell myself that for So long but hey guess being dumb and stubborn is the new thing now), but it's a very big sin to not catch up on work. I've been endlessly trying to start studying but it only worked yesterday since I have a person to report to everyday. I will message this partner, when my day has ended, what I have studied for the day and she will reply accordingly or choose to not reply. I'm a natural loud-mouth and it's all the better because I'd be proud to tell whoever that I have studied! Hahah all these crazy ideas just to help me do work. And the best thing is I'm not even close to the person I'm reporting to that's why the obligation is much higher.
And I will NOT make excuses for myself.

So what am I doing now, missing out on Statistics 2 tutorial? I haven't finished my Statistics 1 revision and if I go for class I'll blank out (as usual) and I find myself wasting time (as usual) whereas I can do productive everythings. Dear God PLEASE make me focus I feel so pointless doing noting and bumming around like nobody's business.


Yesterday I went to watch 3:10 To Yuma with Ham and surprisingly I enjoyed it (I don't really see myself as a western movie person) and the ending was so touching can. Walked around and I realised I didn't exactly bring cash, conveniently let at home. It suck balls not having money in your hands. And we walked a lot, one stretch to the other with typical bullshit only he can think off(it's a compliment ok) lol!

Then I went to stop at Hougang when I wanted to head for Kovan. So I walked one station and it isn't really far anyway. Fifa is having twice a week with me now so more of her nonsense. She proclaimed me weird for liking jigsaws or fixing up things.


Anyway aside that I have a new PC and it's a lot of love, though I haven't started any games on it yet. After much walking and thinking on his side, the PC was born! Right now, the internet is being very agreeable with me. ((:


Got to finish up Stats and a bit of Math and Econs.

ofblack&white
8:00 AM

The O level results were out today. Vincent did fair for his standard; B3 for E Math and a most surprising pass C6 for A Math. I felt it was quite an achievement for my part, and for his too.
But Pei En didn't make it again, and I felt so bad. Although she messaged me yesterday that she was hoping for the worst and if she fail it was her bad not mine and said that I'm the most wonderful math teacher (don't kids know how to lie haha) so it's not my fault math isn't her thing, there's that tiny feeling inside me that said if I had tried more than my best maybe it wouldn't turn out this way.

Oh they all said it's ok forget about the failure but how could I forget about the failure of a student who tries and works hard? I don't give shit if any student who didn't work hard failed because they don't deserve a pass but Pei En is so sincere in her work and tries hard yet this happen. I don't know, I feel that it is unfair for her part. She said I was not to feel guilty because Math isn't her thing.
But you know how it feels like, it felt like shit. Crap. I would feel less hurt and sad and disappointed at myself if it was MY paper that failed but it wasn't mine. It was someone else. I felt like I failed her, or any student that doesn't do well yet worked so hard. It's funny how I coud cry over someone else's results when I don't even do it for myself. If I were to have underperformed I could blame it on myself and only myself would have to feel that crushing sense of disappointment. But this time, I felt like maybe I had indirectly inflicted it on someone else.

I wished I had done much more knowing this might happen, but then I'm no clairvoyant so I can't. I did my best helping and teaching all I could but then it's not enough. Everyone says as long as I tried my best it would be ok. No, it's not ok. If my 100% isn't good enough, then I should have pumped in more, so much more. What if my 100% wasn't enough to help anyone? What's the point of helping and teaching when it doesn't have any impact?


Ah there's so many what if's and regrets going through my mind it really sucks, knowing how I had disappoint her and just make her sad. Although she doesn't sound sad (as this point I'm trying to make myself feel better -.-) I know deep down anybody would be. I guess I should analyse my teaching style, though it does helped the rest. Maybe I should be more strict, but I don't want to put a chokehold. I want to work them very hard but I don't want to over-stress them. Sigh. It depressed me that I have failed someone. Maybe I didn't do my duty that well as a tutor, maybe I should just overworked them for their results but their humans not cattles for trade right.


Ah I feel like a failure. What makes a person strong and successful is their ability to pull themselves upright after every failure but I'm at a loss for confidence I don't even know if I have that strength to teach anymore because I'm afraid if I would disappoint someone else in the future.



I feel so shit. Down in the dumps. Useless you know, that sort.

ofblack&white
11:25 PM

I was just thinking of sleeping before 23oo hours yesterday but it's a plan fail. Due to phone calls that lasted hours (exaggeration on my part lol). Ok it's all about heartbreak all over again and having a married man flirting outrageously. What's with the male breed and all this being unfaithful and stuff it sickens me.


Yesterday I met up with Yana and Qai for lunch. They're a fun bunch, oh yeah, though I still disagree with some of the things they do (like the tupperware). Went to Bagus and oh bought mochi ice-cream it's like ondeh-ondeh stuffed with ice-cream. Haha!


Sometimes you're so blind to your own flaws yet you can spot another's so easily. Maybe that's why people need each other to correct and learn. But what if the other person closes her ears and not want to hear anything?
Hmm.
I should really slap some sense in her and tell her to not go for married men.
Sigh.


Zhong passed me my cargos and bags and they are loooveeeee I think I should exploit Charlotte more at the Esprit shop.


And when I'm trying, Qis had to say this, "I think I'm a serious feminist. Better you pining over a girl than a dick." How annoying.

I slept only at 1 ish nearing 2 yesterday night consoling broken hearts and had such a hard time paying attention in Stats which sucked all that energy in me. I really feel like dying.

Guess I should sleep now. I'm not pining over anyone before you misunderstood the quote from Qis. I'm just thinking how much easier it is on me if you'd stop calling, texting, and dropping comments so much.
Maybe I won't really be haunted much.


Oh money money, if only you grow on trees.

ofblack&white
11:13 PM

I get kinda pissed when there's communication breakdown especially when I'm tutoring. Maann that suck yesterday.


It's funny when I saw Baoling's ez-link and I swear to God she looks like Dora the explorer. The hair and all. Sorry ha but it was really hilarious. Anyway I went computer-shopping with the computer-whiz himself and he managed to whip up a list that says the computer could cost lesser than 1k and I decided on a pretty casing haha Hamzah owns the computer world! Went to the nice dessert shop at Bugis and OHMYGOD we saw this teenage couple (our age or even younger) holding hands and suddenly headed for a doorway which loudly proclaim ROOMS FOR RENT. They're a malay couple no less. So funny! And it's so obvious please, there's a coffee shop just by the doorway. The things people do seriously.

I got a bit maudlin at night and somehow I needed to be placed back on track. Sigh.


I'm probably out with Yana chan tomorrow (yay) eating our hearts out. The O level results will be out next week and I SO HOPE Vincent and Pei En will do well.


Dad agreed on the computer and I'm out to get it today (I think). Hurrah!

ofblack&white
11:32 AM

DREAM THEATER CHAOS IN MOTION 17/01/08 FORT CANNING PARK: Absolutely FANTASTIC.


All the jumping, arms in the air, screaming,the rain pelting down, lights going crazy, guitars drums keys bass going crazy, 6 woofers each side tearing my eardrums, the pushing and all that mambo. Awesome. I got quite up close to Myung which equates to heaven. God when it started to rain it became more wild, people were smoking like chimneys and drinking like barrels. Honestly. But anyway the music's fucking good as always. All the heavier songs were on play; Dark Eternal Night, Constant Motion, In the Presence of the Enemies, Forsaken. And they played Home! Favourite song how I LOVEEEE.


I just reached home after supper man I feel so secured hahaha was sent up all the way to my doorstep, don't you love gentlemen! Supper was thosai masala and he ate two. Such a pig!


My ears are permanently damaged I think the ringing is still there. Can't hear much. But oh well. I'm just wondering how I'm going to wake up tomorrow for school.


LOVES DREAM THEATER \m/

ofblack&white
12:42 AM

I wonder which part of is defunct.


Anyway today was Deal Or No Deal Hunks Special and boy the one with the box number 11, Daniel-Jacobs, is ha-cha-cha-cha hotness to the max. Especially when he pouts. So sexy smexy. I practically salivate the whole living room.


Oh school was school, just school nowadays my lovliest grandparents have been making me sandwiches to bring to school so I don't need to spend money on those ewww expensive and ultimately fattening food. Hurrah for saved whatevs.


I helped Ivy do her little journals for her school work and in one journal, I wrote about people like me. We who are different, who wanted to change and seek help from society but yet when we turn to society they turned their tails on us, sneering and jeering and ostracising just because we're different. Being victims of fate itself is painful enough, we don't need the extra burden from these narrow-minded individuals. Hoo ha.


Yesterday I went to watch Body#19 and me the supposedly brave one squeaked and screamed and went OHMYGOD NOOO like the girl I am and all Zhong did beside me was laugh while watching horror movies. I didn't know courage failed me this time but it was slightly embarrassing. And we went ALL the waaaaaayyyy to Bugis for pool so we can meet Charlotte who's working at Esprit. Who can get 40% discount. Which I happily exploited. Love bag, cargo pants and many more things to come ((: Oh we got lost as usual searching for the pool place and we managed to. It was nearer than we expected and the place poshy. Posh comes with a price. But they have sofas at every corner of the place. The kind of sofa where you melt when you sit on it. Zhong always play lucky. She wacked any-old-how and put in 3 of her balls. Wtf right if you were me you'd just stop playing. Haha we went back to Bugis Junction only to turn back to retrieve my watch. We went home at the wrong hour because it's so packed you need not hold on to anything and you wouldn't fall. It was a nicely spent wet Tuesday.

Tomorrow will be over at Vincent's! I haven't seen him for a long long long long long long time. Oh and of course a primary schooler to teach -.- AND TO MEET THE AWESOMENESS DREAM THEATER TOMORROW I CANNOT WAIT.

Anyway as an advanced since I'm falling asleep any second Happy 18th to Emmi today,
AND HAPPY 18TH TO ADIK LYNN TAN BAOLING TOMORROW.


I said no no no, but in the end it happened. I hope I'm just delusional. You're the wrong person to fall for as usual. No no no.
So, which part of me is defunct?
The brains, probably the brains.


Friday ooh am meeting Osha and Yt so long nvever meet them yeay!

ofblack&white
11:10 PM

Rainy rainy days. It gets awfully warm earlier in the day and when afternoon draws in rain pelts down; buckets of water literally sloshing down and an umbrella could only shelter your head. Say hello to soggy shoes, soggy pants, soggy everything. Mother nature sure is wild these days.


Yesterday was one of those days. I had tuition al fresco at Macs as usual, Rachel complaining endlessly about the hot weather as usual, me blocking off and trying to concentrate as usual. Then we had lunch at Pizza Hut with Adik. Not that she ate anything. And when Rachel head back home, Baoling's left with me to have tuition. Of course we had it outdoors when mother nature cried (practically bawled her heart out). Baoling gleefully said EH CAT ONE STATUS CAT ONE STATUS GO INDOOOORRRS! It was funny to see the rain pouring down like hell's bells, thunder and lightning left right centre. Indoors didn't help much, there was a blackout at Macs lol. Thunderstorms sure are scary.


I slept late last night playing poker with Qing Mat and Ivy. I won some lose some thankfully it's virtual cash no danger of proclaiming bankruptcy. Sleeping at 3 am does wonders to my head in the morning. Oh and did I tell you I swept the floor with the Qing and Mat's faces in word games? Word racer killed them haha. I scored double of what they did. I suppose that's the only thing that could shut them from taunting me day in day out lol.


Later I've to go Tahlil for Arwah Ustazah Badriyah. It's been a year since she passed away. Really missed her...

ofblack&white
12:10 PM

Hello world it seemed that this week is Break Up week. 3 people so far called me about having problems with attitude boyfriends. Gosh after all that I've heard, I feel that (some) men/boys should burn in hell. I want to cry for Fana because she's trying to be so strong after that shit blondie mess her up.
AH.


At this moment, I'm playing Yahoo! pool with two favourite but most annoying males in the world Teo and Mat.


Teo: I feel so secure in this table
Teo:It's 'protected'
Mat: Oooo yea
Mat: Ili the protector
Mat: power ah!


I just find that... annoying. And they've been getting on my nerves yet making me laugh. God with guys like these who needs enemies. Especially Mat. Really would love to stick an ax in his back some time.


Oh yes people you should watch American Gangster it's a fantastic show. First time I've seen Denzel Washington as a bad guy. Oh went to Vivo for late lunch at Figs. And we did that paste on thing for ipod and phone respectively. And stayed on quite late.



Ah Literati now. I got a bingo bonus and now everyone wants to play another game. They're really a bunch of princesses.

ofblack&white
11:56 PM

AH. I love it that I haven't any school on Thursdays ((:

Anyway my computer officially died; we went over the Distributor for Shuttle PC and horror of horrors the part that I need for my computer isn't sold in Singapore anymore (I think).
Good news is, this means I'm getting a new computer. Hurrah! Best of all, Dad let me pick myself. So it's going to be custom-made yet again (:


I nearly blew my top at a student because she was being downright rude today. But she apologised. All I have to say was this, "I think you're very rude today" and be quiet for quite a while after. And she got the gist. Lol. No words speak louder than silence.
How true.


Last night (or rather this morning) I was rudely awaken by a phone call. Strangely I decided to not switch off my phone because something tells me not to. And instincts proved to be right. Haha now I can be some clairvoyant. Anyway I woke up to a very distraught voice on the phone and in that hazy state between sleep and wake I thought it was damsel because it sound so like her. But then horror of horrors it turned out to be Adel in tears. O.o I never know how to approach her especially when I saw her the other time all heartbroken during tuition on a particular Friday.


So with all that night calls and stuff I got a fitful night and I ended up SLIGHTLY cranky and tired in the morning. I still feel that way now though. Just unable to sleep.


Tomorrow only 2 periods with 3 hour break gaping like Moby Dick. WHY must Fridays always have those long hour breaks. Reminded me of JC. Maybe I should bring some work to do.
MUST CATCH UP WITH SCHOOL. I feel so left behind when I got lost in PBF lecture. Keh Chang doesn't help. And I seriously need a place to laze around for 3 hours. Maybe can catch a movie or something lol.


Oh yes in a week's time I'll be seeing God-mode musicians. YAY!

ofblack&white
7:53 PM

I had Statistics 2 for the day only. I used 2$ to and fro for an hour and a half worth of Statistics. Watched The Warlords today with Sya and the show is really good. And I mean REALLY good. In the end everybody die. But it's a damn good story EVERYONE MUST WATCH.


I had the funniest conversation with Toh Qin Jun.

(on MSN)
Ili: Eh you like anime right? Can go to this website http://www.anijunkie.com/ they got all your good anime except your favourite hentai.
Qinjun: Huh?
Qinjun: What's hentai??
Ili: WTF??
Qinjun: Eh don't like that la, what's hentai?
Ili: HAHA it's anime porn or just porn in jap, you don't know?!
Qinjun: Huh nooo of course don't know! Omg.
Qinjun: Eh but, how can you make an anime be porn?

Haha Ms Toh is as blur as ever please.




It's raining so hard. Akin to what I'm feeling inside. I've been avoiding everything related to you this year but to avoid it is to practically avoid the world. It's tough but I'll make it. It's funny when I look back how much of an idiot-who-eat-idiot-pills I've been.


Of late I learnt to not follow my heart.
Success ((:

ofblack&white
8:55 PM

Oh yes, school term starts today. I rechecked timetable and thankfully Thursday is no-school day, aht the expense of having slightly longer hours on other days. Since I'm supposedly matured, I will NOT skip ANY lectures or tutorials, I will revise a lot, like fucking a lot to catch up and try to aim for second-uppers. First class seemed out of reach but I'll never know.


My hair is disgustingly boy, the way I like it because it's such a no-hassle thing. Not that it matters.


I bought my grandparents chicken rice that they love so much :)) They're such worth-it people I love them so. Anyway the neighbour that stays below my grandparents' apartment passed away. The grandfather. The old man with that shock of white hair and I think partially blind in one eye. The one who scolds my cousins during those kick scooter days when they were stomping and making hell lot of noise at the corridor. He's practically an icon at Bedok Ave 3 Block 508 that area besides uncle Zainal. Oh well.
Things come to an end.


Winnie the Su just asked me to go for Symphonia concert at Victoria Concert Hall on February the 1st. Symphonia is SMU's band. If it's on a university level means it should be good.
I WANT TO GO. They'll be playing El Camino Real and some Buble songs. Just what I wanted :))

Qis is being useful to society, finally. A job interview as a trainee photographer? How coolio is that.

ofblack&white
11:43 PM

It was in Germany. We were all in Germany. For a holiday. When suddenly we cannot go home.
War, suddenly the place was filled with sparkles of the night, looking so pretty in the sky, being so dreaful on the ground. It shakes.
I saw dreadnoughts. Fear. A real kind of fear, if that is a better way to put it. Dreadnoughts in the sea. I told a figure that I was right. War started. We cannot go home. And we had to die in a foreign land, far from all that we cared for.
It dropped down, whilsting. I ran. We ran. When we were stopped by soldiers. They loomed. They grinned as if they hadn't sinned. I couldn't run. It paralyses me, the fear. And they came.

And then I woke up.


Really frightening. It took a whole half hour for me to convince myself I'm not going to die.



I want to watch all of Miyazaki Hayao's movies; Mononoke Hime, Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi (in other word's Spirited Away lol), and Hauru no Ugoku Shiro (Howl's Moving Castle). I love the music for Mononoke! And the animation looks good enough. When I look back at the other animation series I kind of think the art sucks a bit. Lol. Now all I do is watch Naruto Shippuuden. It's so draggy but quite addictive.

What a bad time to start all these when school starts tomorrow.

ofblack&white
3:52 PM

Hello world, life would be so much easier if I had dough at this moment. I'm scrimping up by eating cereals and bread&butter, resorting to cooking for myself. AH why did the mothership forget my allowance for this week. SIGH.

I'm to the extent of cycling to Tampines to teach so as to avoid the heavy busfares. Really, Singapore should do something about the high busfares.
WHERE WERE THE DAYS WHEN I COULD USE CONCESSION AAAAAAHHHH.

Going to do some nice work out at the remote island of ubin tomorrow. Hopefully! By end of February I want to try wind surfing.


I woke up today and got that creepy thought.
"I'm turning 20 this year."

That sounds so fucking old. Anyway as far as dreams go yesterday's were amongst the worst and weirdest. I went to talk to a spirit. A spirit more ugly than those juon things. Got a shock when I woke up.


I'm really hungry I could eat a cow. And no one's home haha. So cold so cold.

ofblack&white
11:38 AM

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go.
Some days I'll make it through.

And then there's nights that never end.



Nights like yesterday.
And probably nights like today.

ofblack&white
9:56 PM